It's been one month since my Mom passed away. I cry just at typing that ... What a light phrase for such a heart wrenching time in life. It's so hard to say ... yet it happens ... it happened to me ... to my siblings.
I have so many thoughts about this. Stories about what happened ... because what happened is so much more than what occurred in that instant that Mom passed from life on this earth to life after death.
I will tell the story here on my blog. Maybe you'll want to read it and maybe not, but it will be a journal for me. A recounting of the events that lead up to February 21, 2023 and beyond.
My relationship with Mom had both ups and downs ... but maybe that's the way it is for everyone. There was a point in life where she told me it was 'like we're best friends' ... I'll always treasure that statement from her. She use to say I would take care of her when she was old ... and I would have. I wanted to. But a move from Texas to California when you're old is hard. Also, my country life was hard for her to think of as a true option for her even though she imagined living in our studio and how she would renovate it to suit her needs.
And then we had a difficult situation that caused pain in Mom's heart towards me. We couldn't seem to recover from that. We had many hard years together. But in the end, love never fails.
And that will be my focus.
Mom wasn't doing well ... she hadn't been for some time. She had a condition in which there was no hope for healing. Something in which the doctors said she would eventually die from.
Because Mom was not well and because my calls seemed to irritate her, I had decided that I wouldn't see her again. Not wanting to add extra stress to her life was at the forefront of my thinking. I had seen her last May for Mother's Day and felt that would be enough. There was also a fear in me of going to see her and being rejected.
But then in January, after a rough December for Mom, my heart began to ache for her. I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing her again. Thinking about her made me cry ... hard. Something changed in my heart. I was no longer considering going to receive something from her, but to do something for me. I wanted to see her. I was going to see her. And so I booked my ticket for February 1st.
Donna Booker says
Thank you for sharing, Carolyn…it’s not always an easy thing to do. Though our situations are different, I do relate to things you’ve written here and I think others will as well. May you feel God extra close. Donna B
Thank you Donna! I know you can relate … I’m sorry about everything that’s happening in your life right now. 🙁
It’s encouraging to hear your story, Carolyn. You were willing to share love even in the tough times. I know you will feel that loss for a long time and seeing God work through the grief is a testimony of His love and care in your life. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story.
Thank you Kelly! I appreciate your kind words!
May her memory be eternal. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much Eleni! I appreciate your kind words!